Day 56 - Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson May Wear Spandex; The Rest Of You Men May Not

Thursday, February 25th

Quote of the day:
Grant (to Matt): How was your pizza?
Matt (to Grant): It was fucking phenomenal.

The very lovely Wendee (aka Rosicrucian--she's a superior kisser, did you know?) brought pizzas to Jack's. The occasion was the birthday of none other than Matt the bartender.

Happi House was graced by the presence of my truck at approximately 9:34 p.m. The parking lot was packed and I could see that Cielito Lindo was walled off behind a barricade of stationary SUVs and trucks, with a crowd milling about at its front door. Busy night in this part of town.

Rosicrucian should be here, as should Lindsay aka Starbuck, and many a bar-going regular. Perhaps Stephanie would be here as well.

My suspicions were confirmed inside the bar. To my right as I walked in, Wendee and her girlfriend Cessie were perched on a pair of bar stools at the table closest to the door. Next to them sat Shannon, Lisa, Andy and some more regulars.

As I took the view in, going counterclockwise from the tables to the bar, I saw many people I recognized and several I did not. Dean and Sailor Tod were at the short end of the bar on my left, nearest to where I'd walked in.

I saw Dean bust a move later in the evening. Serious! Methinks the man can dance. About that time of night I also talked with Tod, mostly about found backpacks and how stressful it is to lose your gear. In the spirit of this, I pointed out to Tod I'd lost my black beanie today on the Cal Train, to which Tod pointed out that his backpack was far more useful. Thanks for the sympathy, man. ;)

But all this is foreshadowing.

When you walk into a bar where you know several patrons, one can't not say hello. So many greetings were exchanged as I found a perch for my coat near the back and turned around to find a spot at the bar to order. I met some new people who's names I didn't write down. I don't think I even got to sit down with Wendee and Cessie for at least five minutes after I came in.

I wished Matt a happy birthday then too. That was the most sober he'd be for the rest of the night. As predicted yesterday, Aimee (and Ras Dank) were soon in attendance to take over.

But the moon! I forgot to tell you it was bright and full in the sky when I got to the bar, with a wide, white ring around it which was not unlike the Blue Moon over Jack's on Day 1. Matt's beautiful girlfriend Heather was outside, as was Travis.

One or both of them described the moon's halo as a bright areola, with a hard white nipple in the center of the sky. A day would go by before the memory of this caused me to make the connection to the Ice Queen from the Narnia books.

Heather palmed her boobs and did the flashlight maneuver (not the "flash" maneuver -dirty, Dear Reader, dirty- but the "turn the lights on" sort of move) and somehow or another it was decided having flashlight nipples would be very practical.

Then the question of where to put the "on" button was considered and I thought to myself that I'm very good at finding such a button, even with my eyes closed. All you need is a sensitive tongue and a head start. If there's hair in the way, that's fine; you don't have to know I'm imagining myself an explorer hacking through jungle vines and growth to reach my destination, one swift thrust of the tongue after another to clear a path.

Bushwhacking, indeed.

I even said something to that effect before going inside the bar and now I'm quite mortified that I did. But at least my statement was grounded in truth. I'm good with buttons. Or just one.

Please forgive me Dear Reader! I've mislaid the rest of the bar and you followed me back outside to chase a memory, not read about my kink. So let's go back inside, what do you say?

Beer in hand, I sat down at the table with Wendee and she introduced me to Cessie (short for Cessilia -- I'm sure I've absolutely butchered the spelling of her name here). Cessie had long, beautiful black hair that runs all the way down to her thighs. She has eyes that are not wide or large, but just very there. She watches people like I do and later that night I would come to envy those eyes that have observed the regulars at Jack's who were once regulars at Mission for far longer than I have. Her lips were glossy and lined a shade darker on the edges and you might think she was from India if you chanced upon her with just a glance.

Wendee wore a top with a low cut and had her hair pulled back tight. I love it when her hair is down. She smiled that wonderful smile of hers and I felt very welcome at their table.

Both of these lovely women have spent much time together at Mission Alehouse and between them recognized everyone I've ever learned about who went to Mission. I enjoyed listening to them recount stories of the place.

At one point Cessie asked if I thought Wendee should wear spandex. I said yes and elaborated that I thought she'd look great with her hair down, scarf around her neck, wearing a long, thick gray sweater that went just past her bum, with black spandex/leggings/whatever that end in knee high boots or uggs.

A bit more than Cessie asked for, but I thought it best to be precise. I asked if they thought I ought to wear spandex.

Some responses don't require words.

But at least we determined Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson could wear them. Cessie's eyes said it was OK even before she spoke the thought out loud.

At 11:25 p.m. while outside for some air I looked up to see a bright star by the moon. I asked Eric aka ACME and his brother James if they knew whether it was really a star or a moon, but they were of no help. I glanced back at the entrance to the bar and saw Ras Dank undulating side to side like a snake while rubbing one nipple under his shirt. I think it was Travis who got him to dance that way, but I'm not sure.

I laughed, looked away sort of uncomfortably and then I saw a black cat run accross the street. No problem, I'm impervious to black cats (though not necessarily bad luck).

I looked back at the bar. Ras Dank was gone. Then I looked back and I saw a black cat run across the street.

Déjà vu = Matrix moment!

I think Keith aka Keith was at the bar by then. Or it might have been shit-faced drunk Anurag. Anurag was a teacher in the East Bay for a year and a half. It, in his words, "fucking sucked". Later in the evening Anurag opened the bathroom stall on me while I was occupying it, but that's OK. I'm sure it was just a safety check.

Do you know how it is that I know I use the word "indeed" too much? It's because whenever I use it, Anurag says it reminds him of the "fucking Britishers".

Still outside, I marched right up to Gigantor like a redcoat trundling along in a line of men, waiting to get mowed down in a hail of musket-fired bullets from the other side, and talked to him for the second time this evening. What, exactly, was I thinking? Alcohol is a risky sort of courage.

Gigantor followed me inside when I tried to disengage from our conversation about whether it would rain this weekend and the state of California's reservoirs. Gigantor saw Cessie and forgot all about me. My bad, Cessie. Little did Gigantor know that Jerry had already claimed that spot.

Lolz Jerry is the Kraken. The Kraken was recognized by the Wendee and Cessie earlier in the night and in a fit of silly I went over and gave Jerry a big hug and pried him away from Travis. Jerry was smitten by Cessie (I could see it in his eyes) and tried to get the girls drunk --well, at least buy them very stiff drinks.

All he ended up doing was getting me drunk on their drinks. Swear to God that wide, short glass filled with Kamikaze diluted with too much vodka was absolutely flammable. The ladies asked me to take the drinks away when Jerry was not there so I thought the fastest way to do it was gulp them down. Cheap, but effective.

This is how I learned that when Ras Dank pours drinks it's like a heavy hammer striking a nail, except you don't feel the pain in your head until the next day and the glass never breaks from the blow.

Hrm...when the Kraken releases I don't want to be there. Nope not one bit. Makes me think of a very large bull (when I reread that sentence, my eye looks ahead, sees the "b" for bull and my mind completes it with "balls").

But back to "now" and Jerry has returned to see Gigantor standing very close (Gigantor is a very up close and personal talker, after all) to the object of their attention: Cessie.

In the Kraken vs. Gigantor battle, the Kraken won! No cities were destroyed, no super powers were used and Jack's is just as we left it (dirty, with a hole in the wall above the urinal that will very likey be poked, prodded and expanded by free hands not holding penises before Charlie or Matt patch it up; a word that looked like "fuck" scratched into the head of the urinal, but then scratched out as though the author changed his mind and realized too late you can't exactly erase words in metal; also lemons in the urinal, but that wasn't me and who knows maybe lemons in the urinal is a good idea?).

All Gigantor and Jerry (Tom and Jerry v2.0?) did was look at each other and communicate by man-speak telepathy that was broadcast by eyeballs set in wide, flat faces like radio telescopes that were perched upon barrel sized torsos held up by legs as wide as tee trunks.

From my hiding-on-my-bar-stool vantage point it looked very much like two mountains vying for the sweetest spot on the mountain range. Mt. Gigantor understood he was in Mt. Jerry's spot next to the lovely Cessie and he moved on.

In a way it was a lot like Bo Jackson vs. Brian Bosworth (and not because Jerry is black and Gigantor is white - although that's more than 50% of the reason). I could say Godzilla vs. Mothra, but it just wouldn't work.

Jerry, you're my hero. Gigantor, you rock too. I'll get permission to use your name someday.

Sometime after that Wendee and Cessie left. I walked with them to their car and kissed Wendee goodbye. Cessie tried to get to the car first but Wendee and I were not about to let her avoid seeing us kiss each other goodnight.

Some summary:

• I thought Heather was her twin, because sometimes she was holding Lucy and other times not.
• Heather's dad is really cool.
• Lucy takes very good pictures. Her dad is great at getting the best expressions out of her. Ask to see Heather's phone and you'll see what I mean
• Jerry bought me a shot of Jack Daniels. Thank you! I'm sorry I wasn't such a good wing man. I tried to warn you not to touch Cessie's hair without permission but by then it was too late.
• I met Sarah and Natalie, who fin slap regularly (that's a Shark's fan thing). One of them was wearing a custom made hoodie with shark fins and eyes sewn into the hood, with a spot where you could attach a shark fin on the back. Look for them at the Shark Tank during the NHL playoffs! And actually Wendee hadn't left by then, but would soon after. Oh, and one of the two ladies had her nails painted in Shark's colors. Even had a pic of them on her phone.
• Stephanie arrived much later that night, showing off her new tattoos and looking beyond fantastic. I've always scene her in pants and a gray sweater of one kind or another, so this was an awesome moment. Unfortunately I was too drunk to appreciate the moment and she left with her friends not long after. DAMN and FAIL!
• The headless green fat woman with red x for nipples sticker on the door frame in the men's restroom is something I always look at.
• I went up to the bar to buy one last beer, but Eric cut in and bought it for me. Thank you!
• Thanks for not killing me, Mr. McBride. It was fun to talk to you about your coworkers that do the, "Have you seen a penguin come?" joke by tossing ice cubes on the bar after the questioned person naturally says, "No, I haven't."
• Aimee clapped very energetically to Sweet Child of Mine from behind the bar.
• DJ Vagabond promised me a CD as he left at last call at 1:18 a.m. Living Dead Girl was playing and Grant had been watching the door for some time after Travis left for the night.
• 1:24 a.m. - ACME bounces a drink off the floor and Mr. McBride does an improvised mockery of ACME's fail by making up new words to Sweet Home Alabama. I can't remember a word he sang, but Eric did give McBride a "yes I've been adequately mocked, you can stop now" look as Katie smiled and pulled her pants up a bit.
• Speaking of Katie: when the very lovely Crystal walked by (it was super nice to talk to you for a bit, Crystal), she looked and Katie and said, "Fuck, she's pretty."
• Did you know that the guy I think of as Errol Flynn who hangs out with Crystal is really Thunder (that's not a code name, but his real name), who I've met previously at Jack's? :sigh: Jeremy's memory is teh suck. Also I probably should be glad Thunder didn't kill me either. I mentioned she seemed taller on facebook and she said her boobs are bigger on facebook too.
• Kieth aka Keith was very helpful and awesome! I got to meet a couple of his friends (sorry, forgot names) and we talked about a game called foursquare on his iPhone. Keith is the mayor of Jack's and encouraged me to play. I just might, after I figure twitter out, since any game that rewards you with free (albeit fictional) PBRs is awesome.
• Keith very kindly bought me a beer before he left and informed me that "AMF" --something I'd mentioned in a previous blog post was a term I didn't know-- stands for adios motherfucker. I look forward to hanging out with him in the future!
• I didn't get to spend as much time with Lindsay as I'd wanted. But we'll get to hang out on Friday.
• At 1:31 I got some water from Aimee and with Grant by my side we watched Eric and McBride get down and boogy to ABC by the Jackson 5.
• "I'd rather be a short woman than a tall Amazon" was overheard. I'd Rather Be Short woman has a husband who's getting a Master's in something lucrative.
• I ate some food out on the back patio at 1:43 a.m. What was it? Oh yeah, pizza! Matt talked to Grant about that outside.
• Aimee and Heather talked animal separation anxiety.
• Matt was beyond faded.
• The red glare of the Jack's sign dominates my point of view as I walk and text from the back patio to the front driveway, water bottle tucked under one arm.
• The bar closed, I stand outside to collect my thoughts. The cars roll by and the sound is a lot like sunrise in Grand Theft Auto III --if you've played through a full in-game night, say on your PS2, you know what I mean-- and I can hear the sound of glass clinking against glass as the staff at Jack's unload the dishwasher and restack bar glasses from behind closed doors. I know that sound by heart now. It's the sound of closing, the sound of unwinding and the final bit of speech from the night telling me it's time to go home and go to bed.

At 2:03 I drive home and see Curtiss and his buddy walking with I'd Rather Be Short up Taylor.

See you Friday for another Epic Journey to Jack's!