Day 81 - Bachelor Parties and Blowjobs Declined

Monday at Jack's Bar & Lounge finds me sitting a few seats up from the corner of the bar. The sun is still up and Springtime is a total tease, what with the blue sky, pretty flowers, leaves budding and Stanford students (where I work) frolicking in bikinis so small I doubt I could tie my shoes with them.

Nobody was wearing bikinis at Jack's. Holly was the only one who was technically naked (in a furry animal sort of way) so of course I paid attention to her first. You would too, 'cause Holly is the bomb.

Aimee B. was behind the bar and she hollered my name and served me up a beer just like that. I love being a regular at Jack's. If ever I should find money from this blog, I'm sending it all my bartender's way (minus a few bucks for a Taco Bravo run).

I admit I snuck a few peeks at Aimee, but she's got that whole died-hair that looks like it's turning into sunset light as the sunlight shines into the bar from outside thing going on and it's pretty awesome. I think that might have been a run-on sentence too. Sorry Mr. Schultz (best 8th grade English teacher evar).

Serious for a moment: I can ride the warm fuzzy feeling from a genuine Aimee, Rina, Tanisha or Nicole smile pointed my way for a good long time after I walk into the bar.

So, I said hello and waived to folks as I sat down and I noted there were a few brand new old-school looking bikes parked inside the bar. One was outside too. I need me a bike.

Jessica was on her laptop on the short side of the L-shaped bar next to Wes and Jerry's rough, gravelly voice could be heard further up the bar to my right. Several other regulars were in attendance and nobody was at any of the island tables along the back wall.

Pretty soon Christian came over and sat next to me. We got to talking about the latest cell phone technology that integrates some sort of sliding finger movement to make texting faster (Christian pointed out the same commercial that was playing on a couple of the flat panels which showed this new gadget, but I always just missed it).

This got me thinking about using technology to create a raised surface on the flat face of a cell phone that could shape itself into Braille patterns that flow across the face of the phone like a digital LED readout.

Then Christian suggested something similar that could also call out to a blind person via the phone speaker (or Bluetooth headset, come to think of it) when they reach a destination or even just get too close to the curb on a street. Basically integrated GPS with a much higher precision in terms of pinpointing where the device (and the device owner) is at.

Then the conversation shifted to strip clubs (conversational right turns of that sort are not that uncommon at the bar), strip shows and lap dances.

This led to the relating of a tale by a bar patron about the wildest bachelor party this person had ever been to. It happened at an Elks Lodge if you can believe it and involved a pair of strippers who were supposedly sisters.

Now when I first heard this I thought "sistas" as in lovely black ladies; but no, sisters as in "We're related, isn't that kinky?"

So anyway, the bachelors all assembled as the sisters stripped and did a lap dance for the groom and then took his flaccid penis out to suck it. But already being drunk and embarrassed in front of his friends, the act didn't finish quite as planned.

After, the party goers were lined up in two groups to receive blowjobs in separate rooms from the ladies. As this story-telling bar patron was the best man, he got to go first.

Inside the room, the stripper was sitting on a chair and smoking a cigarette as loud music played from a boom box above her head.

Storyteller: No offence, but I really don't want a blowjob right now.

Stripper Sister: No offence, but I really don't want to give you a blowjob right now.

The stripper then suggested they turn the music up more, wait a few minutes, then Storyteller could walk out as he zipped his fly up and high fived all the drunken guys.

Storyteller said that was the best idea he'd heard all night and then did just that.

My one beer for the day didn't last much longer after that tale was complete. I said so long to Aimee and headed out the door to walk back up Taylor with Christian.

That reminds me: This is "Try it Grant's way" week. I'll be walking or otherwise taking public transportation to Jack's all week long, on Grant's sincere advice. Less likely to get a DUI, kill someone or kill myself that way.

See you Tuesday at Jack's!